Well things with the boyfriend improved. I went with my best friend on Friday to her brothers baseball game and the second one my boyfriend came to pitch. On Saturday we decided to skip the game and go put putting with the boyfriend and another guy; that was a lot of fun. We then went and got some ice cream and went back to my friend's house then left and went to walmart then back to her house. I finally felt like my boyfriend and I were at a good place.

Until last night. I was with my neighbor Paco*, and he started texting my boyfriend asking "what was going on last night u dog".
My boyfriend: "Lol idk ask her"
Paco: "she doesnt give details so hit me with the 411 dog"
Boyfriend: "haha nothing"
Paco: "ur getting that fo sho arent u?"
Boyfriend: "not now but later yeah"
Paco: "man i got that before u did and WOW"
Boyfriend: "lol no u didn't... is this kate haha"
Paco: "no this is me paco"
Boyfriend: "bro i don't believe u lol" Boyfriend: "lol idc that much about it... u didn't even do anything with her or she woulda told me"  (and it's true, I tell him everything.. well almost everything but I would've told him about being paco.. WHICH NEVER HAPPENED!!)
Paco: "ya right she keeps a lot from u she calls me her mack dady"
Boyfriend: "haha what does she keep from me"
Paco: "well she never told you we did it now did she and i was the first so just remember taht the next time u suck face with her"
Boyfriend: "first to do what"
Paco: "to bang her dumbass"
Boyfriend: "no u didn't"
Paco: "think about it im with ur girlfriend at 11 at night so just think bout that"  [a.) paco is like my brother b.) i haven't talked to him in forever and i needed to talk to someone c.) we weren't doing anything except talking]
Boyfriend: "yeah... either this is kate and i'm cool with it or this really is paco and i'm gonna beat ur ass if u keep talkin shit"

And that's when I intervened and texted my boyfriend, "baby omg i'm so sorry none of that was true. omg i'm so sorry dont be mad at me"
Boyfriend: "ok what the fuck was he talkin about"
Me: "i have no idea he told me he wasn't texting you and then i read them and he said he was trying to piss you off"
Boyfriend: "yeah... and it worked. why the fuck did he say that. is it true"
Me: "no kyle* i already told you.. he's like a brother... and if it was i would've told you paco and i have never done anything i promise"
Boyfriend: "then why did he say that. if he's a brother to you then y is he talking about having sex with u" [why isn't he believing me? i don't understand that at all. I never lie to him ever. I just don't get it]
Me: "to piss you off... to be funny but he wasn't funny..."
Boyfriend: "tell him that he's a fuck up"
Me: "i already have.. and he's sorry and told me to fix it...kyle"
Me: "i would've stopped him if i had known and your the only one i've talked about doing that with ever. please believe me"
Boyfriend: "i believe you..."
Me: "good because you have nothing to worry about..."
Me: "wait kyle"
Boyfriend: "what"
Me: "what paco said tonight did that make you jealous?"
Boyfriend: "what do you mean?"
Me: "never mind... i'm going to bed night"
Boyfriend: "just tell me... why did u wanna know? it made me a little jealous cuz i wanna be ur first and i want u to be my first."
Me: "i don't know.. you just waited until you knew it was me to get all mad and i didnt do anything i just dont know never mind."
Boyfriend: "what do you mean? i said if it was really him then i was gonna beat his ass"
Me: "i told you never mind"
Boyfriend: "well i wanna know whats up"
Me: "i just don't understand why you acted all cool when you were talking to paco but you like sorta like freaked out on me"
Boyfriend: "sorta cool? do you understand how pissed i was getting? i was thinking about how i was gonna dump you. that's how pissed i was getting. i dont want that to happen but if you woulda lied to me about that i would've"
Me: "omg kyle"
Boyfriend: "what"
Me: "i want to go to sleep now"
Boyfriend: "fine go to sleep"
Me: "wtf do you want me to say? why you even think that what he was saying was true?"

And he never texted me back. In my lifetime I've only cried over one guy.. in seventh grade. And no matter how much my boyfriend and I fight, I never cry. But I went to sleep crying, I dreamed crying, and I woke up crying. I called my best friend and balled my eyes out. You don't say "i was gonna dump you" that hurt so bad. It's unimaginable. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, but at the same time why should I? I've just hit a fork in my maze of life and I don't know which way to go: break up or fix it. And no matter how many times we fight I always knew deep down that it would get worked out but I'm not very confident this time. And why should I be? The words were said, they were thought about. I just cant imagine my life without my boyfriend but at the same time I can. I feel like I don't care what happens between us but I do. I'm just wiped out, I can't hold onto this anymore, my effort meter is running low, it's time for him to put a little effort in keeping me. I didn't do anything wrong. I have never given any reason to anyone not to believe what I say. I always tell the truth. I just don't understand why he doesn't believe me.